Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Elder Packer...

I had a friend a couple weeks ago email me and ask me what I thought about conference.  This was my reply.. If it makes any sense.. (Also, it's been good for me to calm down a little since the talk happened.) 

I'm guessing you're talking about President Packer's talk? I won't lie.. it was hard to hear. But it wasn't hard to hear for the reason that you probably think it was.. The thing I cannot stop thinking about, in regards to his talk, is the fact that younger kids, (and even people who aren't younger, who are still having such a hard time reconciling all their feelings) who think something is wrong with them and wonder if they'll ever be "fixed" or, as simple as it is to others, wonder if they'll ever be loved had to hear that talk. It worries me that he said those things. You see, I've been lucky to be able to reconcile how I feel about myself, my sexuality and even, for the most part, the church. Not everyone finds that easily, and sometimes they never find it all. 

I try to look back to when I was 12... constantly being anxious for conference and priesthood sessions and praying so hard that one of the wisest men in the world would comfort me with words. I never heard a talk like President Packer's when I was younger.. and I'm very glad I didn't. The harsh words that he used would have been devastating to me at a young age.  When I was in middle school there were times when I was sure that the only way to make me happy was to kill myself (thank goodness I never did or even tried) - and listening to a talk like that wouldn't have persuaded me to put the knife down. 

I don't know if you remember the part of the talk where he talked about homosexuals trying to convince people that their attractions and feelings were innate or inborn.. then he said that that was a devious lie from satan and don't be fooled etc.. This part bothered me as well. Because my dad, my stake president, all of these wise men who have leadership roles in the church, keep telling me that the church is trying to understand and it's new to them and they're trying to teach the people in the church to be understanding. With him telling us in conference that being homosexual is a decision he completely discounts it as a trial at all. He makes it sound like we brought it upon ourselves by "choosing". (Remember I'm not upset by his words pertaining to me, because I know I didn't choose to be this way, and I don't want you to think I'm bitter because I'm not. I'm simply worried and aware of the devastating effect his words had on others who, like I said, haven't been lucky enough YET to find peace with themselves). 

My mom started talking to me about it a few days after and I was sort of amazed by her. FYI my mom is probably going to be the prophet one day... because I've never met someone so excited about the gospel and so able to live by its teachings etc.. so when she came to me and said, I don't agree with President Packer.. it blew me away. I thought she would come to me and say.. he's an apostle listen to him. She instead said I know that you, and many like you, didn't choose to be the way you are. Anyways, the point is I'm happy to say I agree with her. I am so happy and impressed that the church stood up, through President Packer, for what they believe in. (About homosexual relationships being wrong etc, not about telling people that it is a decision and to just get over it) because what kind of a church would they be if they just changed their opinion on gay relationships. Does this even make a lick of sense? I believe in a lot of things pertaining to the church, and I'm glad it's been in my life and I will always keep parts of it very close to me, but I personally, through praying and pondering, believe for myself that Heavenly Father will be proud of me for loving, unconditionally another person, even if it is a man. I know the church disagrees, and that's fine. That's their place as a religion..

Okay so that's all ten chapters of my new book.. because I promise it was that long haha. Sorry!