Fix You

When you try your best but you don't succeed 
When you get what you want but not what you need 
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep 
Stuck in reverse 

And the tears come streaming down your face 
When you lose something you cannot replace 
When you love someone but it goes to waste 
COULD IT BE WORSE?

Lights will guide you home 
And ignite your bones 
And I will try to fix you 

And high up above or down below 
When you're too in love to let it go 
But if you never try you'll never know 
Just what you're worth 

Lights will guide you home 
And ignite your bones 
And I will try to fix you 

Tears stream down your face 
When you lose something you cannot replace 
Tears stream down your face 
And I 

Tears stream down your face 
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes 
Tears stream down your face 
And I 

Lights will guide you home 
And ignite your bones 
And I will try to fix you. 

Fathers Day

Today was Fathers Day.  I really don't like Fathers day for a couple reasons.  I do like the opportunity that it is to show my own father how much I love him, and how appreciative I am of everything he's given me. He's the best guy I know.  He's done so much for me.  

Fathers Day is rough for me, though.  It is hard (this is selfish I know) for me to see all the wonderfully happy fathers marvel in the company of the people they love absolutely most in this life because I know the odds of knowing that feeling are low.  

My perfect mother had our perpetually large family over for dinner tonight.   One of the dozens of people in attendance tonight was of course my Grandpa, being the starter of this entire side of the family.  I always have a good time with my family.  I have come to recognize as of late how unique and beautiful my family and extended family is.  We are all so close and loving for each other.  

As the night went on, reality kept smacking me in the face.  A haunting video of only myself kept replaying over and over again.  A clip of loneliness and yearning.

Lonely and Not Enough

We've all heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason.   I am certain that Heavenly Father masterfully orchestrated each of the people I love and the people that love me into my life.  I am so aware of the love I receive from my family and my friends.  My family doesn't have to remind me how much they love me and my friends do it anyways at least weekly.  I am so appreciative of all of that- I know that many people aren't this lucky.

But... as people always do, I want more. The love that I get from my friends and family is real love- it is genuine.  But it isn't true love.

I see my closest friends in relationships (some of who are married or on the brink of marriage) and crave what they have.  I'm so happy for them- beyond words happy for them- but I want what they have so badly.  I want to be someones first priority.  I want someone to be able to tell me exactly how they feel. Someone who can trust me.  I want to have somebody who can promise me a 'forever'.  I want to deserve all of this.  It's exhausting knowing that my closest friendships will take a one-sided backseat at the first sign of a prospective spouse.  I know this is normal, I'm not putting my friends down for putting their friends on the back burner for their spouse or significant other.  I'm just hoping that someday I'll be on the other end of that.  I want to be worthy of what my friends are all finding.  I'm tired.  I'm tired of having just friends.  I'm tired of the constant yearn for that thing-  true love.  

Enough

For the majority of my teen life and for all of my post teen life I've wanted one thing more than anything else.  Let me preface this post with a little background on me.  I've been blessed with the worlds best group of friends.  I have literally had the same group of friends my entire life.  My friends from elementary school and I integrated with people we met in middle school and so on in high school and even after graduation.. most of us being 21 now still talk, hang out, and love each other.  

A little further than that.. I have the worlds best family as well.  I have two parents who are the best people in the entire world.  I have 5 siblings- each of them amaze me more and more everyday. 

The point of this background is to illustrate to you (mostly illustrate to me) how surrounded I am with people that love me.  I am surrounded by people that love me (I like saying it over and over)- and even more so people that I love and would do anything for.  

Over the years I've watched every single one of my friends and siblings move from relationship to relationship and some of them even finding their one and only.  I couldn't be happier for them.  

I've never been in a relationship.  I've watched and supported all of my best friends go in and out of them.  Watched them soak up the feeling of being wanted and wanting.  I've always wondered if it will ever be my turn.  

Until recently.  

What I want- I think may be right in front of me.  I'm starting to wonder if the friendships I have and the love that coincides with those, and the family I have with the tremendous love that comes from there.... is enough?

I know it would make my parents happy if I decide to live the law of chastity according to the church.  I know that there would be no room for the type of relationship I crave so badly within the church.  I also know there is no capacity for me to love someone in a traditional relationship.  

So help me. Is it enough? 

School Assignment

One of my good friends who goes to Utah State university has a roommate that has to write a paper on homosexuality and the LDS church.  My friend told her roommate I would be happy to answer some questions for her.. I thought this would be a good addition to my almost invisible blog...

1. Do you feel the LDS church and its members practice inhumane treatment toward homosexuals?

I think this question would serve a better purpose being broken up into two. The way I’m treated by members of the church isn’t always symmetrical to the way the church treats me. 

Almost all of the closest people in my life, the people who love me the most, are members of the church and are devout in its teachings.  I would say that those people have never treated me in any way that could be construed as inhumane.  My family tree is practically dripping with members of the LDS church, and I consider myself to be a member of the church.  My dad has always served in higher auxiliary callings including the office of bishop.   Ever since I came out to my family, the love has been overflowing.  My family and friends have poured more love into me than I could have ever asked for.  They all recognize how real my attractions are and they also recognize how hard it is/has been for me to have them.  They have gone above and beyond showing humaneness in regards to this.  I feel overall members of the church are humane towards me and my feelings and beliefs.  (I’m not disregarding the ones that show hostility towards homosexuals, though.  It would be a miracle if a group that had millions of followers didn’t have some that didn’t understand the whole picture.)

The way the church treats me has a different feel to it.  It’s hard to pinpoint my feelings towards this because of the enormous size of the church.   When I came out to my family my dad was serving, at the time, as my bishop.  He was well versed in this matter, having dealt with numerous other members of the ward going through it over the years.   He always expressed to me and made it clear that the church recognized, what they synonymously call, my same gender attraction to be real feelings and not choices etc.  He made me understand that there is always a place for me in the plan and that Heavenly Father loves me no matter what.  His words and even my stake president’s words were always comforting, reassuring, and hopeful.  However, it was hard for me to reconcile their words with the fierce battle against proposition eight in California because of the opposition that lied within.  What my bishop and stake president were telling me seemed so opposite of what the church was saying/doing to prevent marriage in California.  It seems like my local church leaders were not synchronous with the brethren in Salt Lake City.

2. Does the LDS church's stance on homosexuality affect your overall beliefs and opinions of church doctrine?

Yes.  I’m 21 years old now, and have spent my whole life as a member of the church.  I’m pretty well educated and versed in the church’s doctrine, beliefs, etc.  I believe most of them, as well.  However, there have been/are times where the disconnect between my orientation and the church’s stance has led me to discount the church’s validity as a whole.   The LDS church is the only church to claim to have a living prophet, or in other words a man who speaks face to face with God or Heavenly Father.  So when I take that into account and also add in my genuine attraction that I know isn’t wrong, it is hard for me not to have an “all or nothing” attitude toward the church’s validity. 

3. Do you feel the LDS church and its teachings are a barrier between you and your family?

This is a hard question for me to answer.  I don’t think I could have a better family to deal with this.  They’re all very invested in their beliefs to the church.  All of my siblings that are of age have been married in the temple and hold callings in the church and believe, without a doubt, in the truthfulness of the gospel.   With that in mind I know that my family absolutely loves me and will love me no matter what I decide to do with my attractions.  I do, however, know what they want me to do with these attractions, and happiness doesn’t seem available on that path.  As of right now there are no barriers between my family and me.  I hope it stays that way. 

4. What are your overall feelings toward the LDS church?

I love the church and the service they do for many people throughout the world who deserve it.  I love watching the people closest to me in life grab an infinite amount of comfort and hope from the church.  I love the church’s ability to call people to be better. 

5. What would you suggest to the church in order to bridge the gap between its members and the LGBT community?

This question is impossible.  I think the church should continue to do whatever Heavenly Father instructs them to do, if that is really what is happening.  If they did what the members “wanted” them to do their validity could be discounted entirely.  However I do think the church needs to choose their words wisely during conference talks, firesides etc.  The recent talk by Elder Packer was devastating to me, only because of the effect I knew it would have on others.  But it’s talks like that they need to word wisely in order to save lives.   I also think it was unequivocally wrong for them to be so public and giving in the world of politics.  It comes down to basic separation of church and state. 

6. How would you describe how members of the church treat you when you attend church functions?

Members of the church always treat me very nicely when I’m at church or other activities.  It’s as simple as that. 

7. In what ways did the beliefs you grew up with prevent you from accepting your sexuality?

For a long time it was impossible for me to understand why I was the way I am.  I grew up, from a very young age, thinking I was evil, and impure and in my later teen years I was certain I would live my whole life unloved and alone.  These thoughts were terrifying to me and it was almost encouraging for me to suppress it and almost ignore it. 

8. Are you a proponent of gay marriage? Why?

Absolutely.  It seems inconceivable to me that anyone can think someone is not entitled to that. 

9. Do you feel there are adequate resources inside the LDS church for gay members to openly discuss their sexuality?

Not even close.  The only open dialogue I ever found about homosexuality in the church was after I came out and started having conversations with my bishop.  I searched lds.org and yearned for the topic to come up, in depth, during a lesson or a general priesthood session or even conference.  It never did until recently.   It wasn’t until I came out that I had been told that I wasn’t evil, impure and abominable. That was 18 long years. 

10. Did you ever consider the church's recommended "solution" to live a celibate lifestyle? Why did you reject this option? 

Yes.  I had actually at one point decided this is what I would do.  It stayed that way for about a year.  However, increasingly I was seeing my “straight” friends fall in love, get married and even have kids and I knew that I could have that, too.  It was a realization that my life would be wasted if I were alone.  I plan to be as in love and committed to one person (a man) as my parents are to each other and I can’t wait.  I will continue to attend church and live by its teachings.  I also plan on treating my relationship with my future husband as if we are going to the temple to be married.  That is, if I were in the exact same relationship with a girl, we would be worthy to enter the temple for our marriage.  

Elder Packer...

I had a friend a couple weeks ago email me and ask me what I thought about conference.  This was my reply.. If it makes any sense.. (Also, it's been good for me to calm down a little since the talk happened.) 

I'm guessing you're talking about President Packer's talk? I won't lie.. it was hard to hear. But it wasn't hard to hear for the reason that you probably think it was.. The thing I cannot stop thinking about, in regards to his talk, is the fact that younger kids, (and even people who aren't younger, who are still having such a hard time reconciling all their feelings) who think something is wrong with them and wonder if they'll ever be "fixed" or, as simple as it is to others, wonder if they'll ever be loved had to hear that talk. It worries me that he said those things. You see, I've been lucky to be able to reconcile how I feel about myself, my sexuality and even, for the most part, the church. Not everyone finds that easily, and sometimes they never find it all. 

I try to look back to when I was 12... constantly being anxious for conference and priesthood sessions and praying so hard that one of the wisest men in the world would comfort me with words. I never heard a talk like President Packer's when I was younger.. and I'm very glad I didn't. The harsh words that he used would have been devastating to me at a young age.  When I was in middle school there were times when I was sure that the only way to make me happy was to kill myself (thank goodness I never did or even tried) - and listening to a talk like that wouldn't have persuaded me to put the knife down. 

I don't know if you remember the part of the talk where he talked about homosexuals trying to convince people that their attractions and feelings were innate or inborn.. then he said that that was a devious lie from satan and don't be fooled etc.. This part bothered me as well. Because my dad, my stake president, all of these wise men who have leadership roles in the church, keep telling me that the church is trying to understand and it's new to them and they're trying to teach the people in the church to be understanding. With him telling us in conference that being homosexual is a decision he completely discounts it as a trial at all. He makes it sound like we brought it upon ourselves by "choosing". (Remember I'm not upset by his words pertaining to me, because I know I didn't choose to be this way, and I don't want you to think I'm bitter because I'm not. I'm simply worried and aware of the devastating effect his words had on others who, like I said, haven't been lucky enough YET to find peace with themselves). 

My mom started talking to me about it a few days after and I was sort of amazed by her. FYI my mom is probably going to be the prophet one day... because I've never met someone so excited about the gospel and so able to live by its teachings etc.. so when she came to me and said, I don't agree with President Packer.. it blew me away. I thought she would come to me and say.. he's an apostle listen to him. She instead said I know that you, and many like you, didn't choose to be the way you are. Anyways, the point is I'm happy to say I agree with her. I am so happy and impressed that the church stood up, through President Packer, for what they believe in. (About homosexual relationships being wrong etc, not about telling people that it is a decision and to just get over it) because what kind of a church would they be if they just changed their opinion on gay relationships. Does this even make a lick of sense? I believe in a lot of things pertaining to the church, and I'm glad it's been in my life and I will always keep parts of it very close to me, but I personally, through praying and pondering, believe for myself that Heavenly Father will be proud of me for loving, unconditionally another person, even if it is a man. I know the church disagrees, and that's fine. That's their place as a religion..

Okay so that's all ten chapters of my new book.. because I promise it was that long haha. Sorry! 

Biology and Homosexuality

I came across these today.

http://mormonstories.org/?p=1158
http://www.ldsresources.info/professionals/bradshaw.shtml

 I listened to the entire lecture and then read Dr. Bradshaw's written findings on the topic.  (the first link you can listen to the audio of the lecture, the second link points to the written findings of Dr. Bradshaw.)

I found myself to be very touched by this.  Below are some excerpts which really made sense to me (you can read the entire writing at the second link listed about):

A reasonable, conservative estimate is that there are over 500,000 gay Latter-day Saints, 5% of church membership. Based on the preceding I conclude that these important human beings, my brothers and sisters, have a romantic attraction to persons of the same sex that is rooted in inherent biological factors over which they have had no control, and that this is a condition that they will not be able to change, even with Herculean effort. What should they do? My primary response is one of compassion at the realization that these people are unable to make, in full honesty, a complete commitment to a wife or husband that characterizes the temple marriage covenant. What then? It seems proper to apply a standard of conduct in which an individual gay Latter-day Saint finds a path in life that most fully permits the acquisition of goodness and the practice of service, traits and behavior that find their highest expression in the life of the Savior. It seems to me that there may be several different paths appropriate to that end. 

There are, of course, many married, gay members of the church. Often they entered marriage with the false hope that a heterosexual relationship would allow them to change their orientation. That doesn't happen. Some, with the help of understanding and highly courageous spouses, have opted to remain in those families, finding it the best, if difficult, individual solution to their situation. Others have not, driven, I believe, by a sense that they can not continue to live a lie and must find some other way to be true to themselves - a principle they have been taught in the church. Single gay people have the same dilemma. 

I propose, as have others before me, that when the two or three Biblical writers denounced homosexual behavior they were addressing the issue of heterosexual persons engaging in homosexual acts. We can join them in viewing such behavior sinful. I can believe, however, that for most of human history it has been generally inconceivable that there were persons whose natural state was to be romantically oriented to those of their same gender. Such a possibility just did not occur. I note the absence of a reference to homosexuality in the Book of Mormon, or Pearl of Great Price, or, especially, in the The Doctrine and Covenants. I submit that our current perspective should take into account recent knowledge and experience. Human understanding of what is true changes over time. Truth may be eternal, but our comprehension of it is neither automatic nor complete. It takes time, usually a long time, for us to learn. What seems apparent is that God doesn't jump in and correct our knowledge deficiencies; He waits patiently while we figure things out for ourselves. I offer these last sentiments in the spirit that we are woefully ignorant of many of the aspects of homosexuality, and ought to be open to the further light to be shed on the subject, from whatever source. 

I know that at the present time there is a great deal of animosity, ill will, intemperate language, and ignorance with regard to gay people among the Latter-day Saints. Our gay brothers and sisters are labeled as perverts and deviants unworthy of our association. They find activity with us too painful. We lose the blessings of their gifts. I cannot believe that the Savior is pleased, but do believe that He will do all He can to help us find a better way.