Fix You

When you try your best but you don't succeed 
When you get what you want but not what you need 
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep 
Stuck in reverse 

And the tears come streaming down your face 
When you lose something you cannot replace 
When you love someone but it goes to waste 
COULD IT BE WORSE?

Lights will guide you home 
And ignite your bones 
And I will try to fix you 

And high up above or down below 
When you're too in love to let it go 
But if you never try you'll never know 
Just what you're worth 

Lights will guide you home 
And ignite your bones 
And I will try to fix you 

Tears stream down your face 
When you lose something you cannot replace 
Tears stream down your face 
And I 

Tears stream down your face 
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes 
Tears stream down your face 
And I 

Lights will guide you home 
And ignite your bones 
And I will try to fix you. 

Fathers Day

Today was Fathers Day.  I really don't like Fathers day for a couple reasons.  I do like the opportunity that it is to show my own father how much I love him, and how appreciative I am of everything he's given me. He's the best guy I know.  He's done so much for me.  

Fathers Day is rough for me, though.  It is hard (this is selfish I know) for me to see all the wonderfully happy fathers marvel in the company of the people they love absolutely most in this life because I know the odds of knowing that feeling are low.  

My perfect mother had our perpetually large family over for dinner tonight.   One of the dozens of people in attendance tonight was of course my Grandpa, being the starter of this entire side of the family.  I always have a good time with my family.  I have come to recognize as of late how unique and beautiful my family and extended family is.  We are all so close and loving for each other.  

As the night went on, reality kept smacking me in the face.  A haunting video of only myself kept replaying over and over again.  A clip of loneliness and yearning.

Lonely and Not Enough

We've all heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason.   I am certain that Heavenly Father masterfully orchestrated each of the people I love and the people that love me into my life.  I am so aware of the love I receive from my family and my friends.  My family doesn't have to remind me how much they love me and my friends do it anyways at least weekly.  I am so appreciative of all of that- I know that many people aren't this lucky.

But... as people always do, I want more. The love that I get from my friends and family is real love- it is genuine.  But it isn't true love.

I see my closest friends in relationships (some of who are married or on the brink of marriage) and crave what they have.  I'm so happy for them- beyond words happy for them- but I want what they have so badly.  I want to be someones first priority.  I want someone to be able to tell me exactly how they feel. Someone who can trust me.  I want to have somebody who can promise me a 'forever'.  I want to deserve all of this.  It's exhausting knowing that my closest friendships will take a one-sided backseat at the first sign of a prospective spouse.  I know this is normal, I'm not putting my friends down for putting their friends on the back burner for their spouse or significant other.  I'm just hoping that someday I'll be on the other end of that.  I want to be worthy of what my friends are all finding.  I'm tired.  I'm tired of having just friends.  I'm tired of the constant yearn for that thing-  true love.